Don’t Be a Menace While Drinking Your Smirnoff
by Punishment Prez
Summary: Raphael is off to the store after running out of a month's supply of alcohol in a few hours. But he's an idiot! What the hell type of stupidity ensues as he journey's on the ultimate quest for the ultimate drink: Smirnoff?


?!?: You know, I wish I did own at least one person from Soul Calibur, I know exactly who it would be!

Raphael: Who? Who? Uu-Uu!

?!?: Setsuka!

Setsuka: ...

?!?: Don't sit there looking so cool! You know what you did! Everytime, no matter what, you cheat in Tournament mode!

Setsuka:...Ur point?

?!?: I will torture you for hours on end by making you into some generic cuuute anime school girl!

Setsuka: My only weakness!!!!

Raphael: What a cruel fate indeed *_tries to inch away_*

?!?: Where are you running off to?

**Don't Be a Menace While Drinking Your Smirnoff in SC**

:DDDDDDDDD:

Raphael was pissed. Really pissed, like he was PMSing or some sh*t, and it was all because he had run out of a month's supply of Smirnoff that he won from a Look-Alike contest _[He was Tom Cruise's part in that vampire movie, but if I say the name, she might sue me.._]. "Goddamn!" He muttered to himself [_Okay: he was playing as Lestat_]. "I love that pizza!" Came a reply. It was Talim? "How da hell you get in my castle?!" He demanded drunkenly. "Sleepover, remember Uncle Raphy? With Amy?"She blinked expectantly. "... No." He replied. They looked at each other awkwardly as tumbleweed passed by. "I need to get that fixed; where the hell _**does**_ tumbleweed come from?"

"Sooo anyway…'Goddamn' is a pizza company?" Raphael asked her. She ignored the question. "So what's the matter? You were just fine in your room a little while ago? I can help...with the powers of the _wiiiiind_," she stated dramatically. _/Drugs.../_ Raph said in his head. "Well yeah, you can! How about getting mer some more off this delicidable drink!" _/...'Delicidable'? O_o.../_

She gazed over to a nearby trash, which was filled with bottles. "I can't buy those, I'm gonna get in trouble again!" What did she mean 'again'? "Look, they're sold down by the corner store; you're old enough." Talim instructed. "Nyaaaaa..." He moaned disappointedly. "Otay, which one again?"

"...You never noticed that loud $$ colored building with the sign that say:"The Blu Store'?!" He gave a sigh. "Alright, I'm going. You kids be good now, and don't let Mitsurugi in here again, n*gga ate all my hot wings yesterday!" He trotted out of the kitchen, down the stairs and outside. His mood got worse as he went down _**more**_ stairs and searched around for his favorite red mountain bike, which he named Shogun.

"Namunamunamu! No drinking and driving in this neighborhood," came a call from behind the Swordsman. The weird ninja known as Yoshimitsu was taking off down the street with Raphael's red Shogun. "Hey! Get the f^ck off my bike!" He tried chasing after Yoshimitsu, but his liquored belly made him stop after a minute. "I shall return farewell! Hohoho!" He wasn't even riding on the bicycle; he was actually running with it in his right arm. _/Could have sworn he was on it.../_

Raphael had no choice but to walk.

"I needed to exercise my manly legs anyway!" He was yelling out to nobody in particular. Raph walked down a paved road, marveling how the once zombie-like people were able to build it nicely. (He didn't realize they were not zombies to begin with). "Is that the purchasing store?" Raph had finally arrived to a street light as he asked such a ridiculous rhetorical question.

**THE BLU STORE!!!**

It was painfully obvious that this was the store Talim was referring to that held such 'delicidable' beverages! "Miiiiinne!" Raphael sprinted (at 3 miles per hour) across the street, nearly getting run over by Voldo in a Volvo [_laugh; I know you want to_] in the process. He walked through the ghetto store, mouth at the ready.

A very big-boobed woman was at the register, she was eyeing him _particularly_ weird. "Good evening, umm…" How awkward. No one ever looked at him that way before. "Yeah? I'm Hualin. Hurry up and buy!" Rude much! "Hurry up and by what?" Raphael asked confused. "Hurry up and buy!!!" She yelled again. "Okay, okay! Jeez…" Raphael walked to what looked like the back of the store to some see-through doors that looked cold. _///Drinks!!!///_ As he walked swiftly down a middle aisle, he decided to buy a treat for the girls. "Big Mikey's?" He was looking at a bag of cheap candy down the aisle he was walking through. Sorry if you are unfamiliar with that brand of candy; its poor man's gold (that name is so ghetto, I don't know if I spelled it right!). "Well my daughter is _**NOT**_ gonna chew on your—Apparently delicious—strawberry _**CHEWS!!!**_" He slammed the package of children candy on the ground, whilst a few customers stared at him.

"What a dipsh*t!" Came a voice that was not trying to hide its laughter.

"Do not question RAPHAEL!!!" Raphael replied fitting for a lord. "Hurry up and buy!" Hualin repeated_. ///I'll get them candy later…///_ So Raphael went to the back of the store. So many flavors of different drinks dazzled him! This guy really needed to get out into the world. He wondered which ones to choose: Lemonade, Original, hell, they even had Strawberry! "Hmmm…." Raphael will probably be a while…

Meanwhile at the front of the store, a robbery was in the making!

Two warriors had walked in a little after Raphael.

They were familiar with the clerk Hualin, who had tattle-tailed on them as soon as they walked through the door; that's when the second clerk, Valeria sat with her and eyed them together. One of the two had [_ironically_] popped open a bottle of Smirnoff as he approached the register. And all of the other regular people got the f^ck out of Dodge. Raphael therefore was the only idiot left.

"You no drink beer in store," Valeria began.

"Hey, look, b*tch...You gettin' on my nerves! I said I'm gonna pay you!" Said the one with red crazy hair [_Hint Hint Hint!_].

"You hurry up and buy!" Hualin said with a thick Asian accent.

"Why don't you calm your mothafu^ckin' nerves!?" Said his companion. "We don't want any trouble! Just get out!" Valeria said finally.

"Can't stand y'all b*tches…" The second of the two paid for the two Smirnoff's, to which Hualin gave them their change. The two annoyed men walked out, but before they could reach the door—

"I feel sorry for their mothers…" Hualin whispered under her breathe, but she was too loud. "What you say about my mama? You feel sorry for who mama?" The taller weird looking one asked.

"We don't want any trouble; just get out!" Hualin and Valeria repeated but to no avail.

"Oh y'all did it now! Yun, clean out the register!" Yes, one of them was Yun Seong (who was wearing that ridiculous pirate looking outfit from SC4). He hopped over the counter and cleared the cash register of a great amount (one twenty-dollar bill) and leaped back over. "I'm taking these with me too punk!" The second companion grabbed a few packs of colorful Mentos, and they both high-tailed it into the midnight.

Raphael came to the front of the store where the two shivering clerks huddled together. "What's wrong?" Raphael asked. "We're ruined!" Valeria cried. "Oh. Here's the money for these great drinks! And this Miky's candy…crap thing. They're like twenty dollars right?" The blonde man turned to leave with a two 6-packs of Smirnoff (he decided on mixing up the flavor from different boxes). And there on the counter—lay two five-hundred dollar bills. And the clerks' eyes widened with gratitude and glee; Raphael would be forever welcome in their store! [_Whether he knows it or not…_]

:DDDDDDDDDD

Raphael was greeted home by the two worried girls, mainly Amy worried because she knows he dad does not need to be in the society at any hour. "Hey girls, I found candy, and everything went well! Did you guys order some food out for yourselves?" He was very upbeat about getting more alcohol. "Th-Thanks Dad!" Amy felt something wrong, but shrugged it off. "Thanks Uncle Raph! Amy, let's go order something!" Raphael nodded when he saw his daughter hesitate. "Go on, before I change my mind…" She chuckled. "Thanks Dad!" The two girls ran up the stairs playing tag.

"Hey my bike; I thought I'd never see you again Shogun!" Raphael on an instinct had checked around the side of the castle for his beloved bike. "Well, time to go drink some mo~re!" He turned on his heels without another look [or a thought of insecurity] and went drunkenly inside his palace; a *pop* sounded when he opened a fresh new bottle of original Smirnoff.

Next to the bike lay a twenty-dollar bill and a pack of colorful Mentos…

;)


End file.
